Guarded and comforted by angels

 

 

It is now 9 months into my transition. Although it somehow seems like a very, very long time it also feels like the blink of an eye and like an eternity.

I am so grateful and thankful that my former life in the male shell fades out of my memory nearly completely. It is just gone.

The moment I decided to transition marked the turning point in my life. I didn‘t know how all of this would turn out, what problems I would have to face - and I knew life would change in quite dramatic ways, though I didn‘t expect it to be so radical.
The emotional changes are the ones that impress me most and challenge me daily. Life feels so completely different to me - it feels like what it always should have felt like and it‘s a beautiful task to manage how to live with those newly acquired feelings and incorporate them into my everyday life.
In a fast motion kind of way I learn how to deal with emotions never before known or felt.

For example about 2 weeks after I started hormones I walked along the street seeing this young mother with her toddler in the stroller. Then I realized something that nearly swept me off my feet, made me truly and deeply sad and kept me in that state for a couple of days, until I found a way to accept it somehow: I can‘t give birth to »my kid« - I will never get pregnant and I will never have the chance to give life to a baby! Being father to 4 children this sounds strange, but considering that it never was me, and that this woman deep inside me has finally set herself free, this makes sense.
Well - the whole baby panic topic fits my age as a woman and I need to deal with this fact and straighten out my thoughts - just like a genuine woman close or around my age being childless will have to do too.



I know I am guarded and protected on my way by all good wishes, thoughts and prayers of all that wish me well and support me. Also I truly believe that angels guard each and every one of my steps and also of all people who care about others

People I cared about and loved left my side and others stepped in.

I experienced unexpected help and such loving encounters, that they seem to more than make up for the losses I experienced. I had the chance to get to know and exchange thoughts, feelings and my life with interesting, caring, loving, supportive, altruistic and generous people.

Life has grown so much bigger, wider and fuller - more than I ever imagined, because I meet people who open my eyes for ideas, thoughts and views of how the world works and what life has in store which is so much greater and more colorful than I ever imagined.
On top of that I‘ve grown much more open and tolerant towards my kids, about how they want to live, how they want to be like, what their dreams are and how they see life from their perspective.

I am so thankful and happy!!!

Life is grand!

 

 

Blowing off steam

What hugely upset me the last past months is kin, family or »friends« telling me - as some of them have been all of my life - how selfish, unreasonable and crazy I am - how irresponsible I am coming to decisions , in their view thinking only of myself, completely disregarding the needs and wants of my children. So far I always felt the need for justifying myself, trying to explain why I arrived at decisions and why I finally decided to go through with  them - talk about flogging a dead horse. I realized I had to stop that. They won‘t understand because they never wanted to in the first place or they simply can't. They have their view of how a life has to turn out, what roads need to be taken to be »successful« in life according to their philosophy. They all claim to know what‘s good for others - in that case - me.



Funny how people can live so close to each other physically knowing really nothing about the other person. Take my family - my parents, my brother and me. The distance our rooms were being apart in the house we grew up in ranged from 1.6 feet (50 cm) up to 6.6 foot (2 meters), yet up to this day we hardly know anything about each other. Some couples sleep in the same bed, live in the same house and even have kids together without knowing anything about each other.
From my perspective it all comes down to communication, love, having the broad-mindedness to let go, the will to understand and enough courage to step aboard new shores. I can‘t find any plans for leading your life, life schemes or strict guidelines on how to be happy in your life when listening to your heart, summed up in those terms.
As if there were a way to know how »correct« or »right« your decision making is. Seems they all know it for me - why don‘t they take a look in the mirror first?

Whenever my kids go places people are amazed at what happy and joyful kids they are. When my kids go places where people are familiar with our busy course of life people are »surprised« or »taken aback« at how happy and joyful they are »despite of what they have to live with!« That should really make them think, shouldn‘t it?
But wouldn‘t fit their view of me, my lifestyle, my decision making, my view on life in general. No ability to read between the lines.

I realized I have to leave those people behind, welcome those who are willing to understand or do understand. Life seems to be this constant cycle of welcomes and good-byes. Even more so in me transitioning. To me I do see no need anymore to fight a lost battle - if people are not willing to embrace me with a loving heart, I realized for myself that I have to let go. Took such a long time to get me to the point where I could be strong enough to finally do that. Mona is strong enough to do that now. I am alive.

I want to sum this all up with the words of my unique woman friend Kelly who simply put it this way: 

their loss!

 

Getting my life back!!

At first I wanted to write about the endless topic of hormones - but I found out what the core of the matter is, that‘s been bugging me for ... my whole life actually: I WANT MY LIFE BACK!!!

I guess hardly anybody else knows more about  the unbelievable and unstoppable power of hormones than us transsexual people.
I do only speak for myself when I say - I KNEW something was not right with me ever since I was little and even more so after puberty kicked in.
Two months after I started hormones I can definitely say  that dramatic changes have been happening to me since I started.
At this point of time the emotional and psychological changes are stronger felt than the physical ones. I‘m being much more emotional - more happy when I‘m happy and more down when I‘m down, depressed or unhappy. Yet, not a single feeling that I want to miss ever since I‘ve started to feel it now, weather it‘s towards the happy or the sad end. Words can‘t describe how much joy spreads inside of me, just because I can feel life the way it‘s supposed to be felt for me, the way I always knew it had to feel, yet in my male prison I this wasn‘t happening.

I had a bumpy road to travel before I finally ended up with an endocrinologist that I can trust.
After I got my referral I went to the endocrinologist that was at the top of the list - apparently the one with the best reputation all over Munich. After the first meeting I went down the stairs of the building and my female inner voice (which ever since starting hormones has grown louder and louder each day - thank goodness!!) said: that was not a good choice - you know that! Find someone else. Well, the reasoning part kicked in saying: well, how bad can it be, just give it a try!

YOU SHOULD ALWAYS LISTEN TO THE VOICE OF YOUR HEART!

Well I didn‘t. Turns out that after about 10 days I had a circulatory collapse going to the bathroom in the middle of the night. Calling the endocrinologist next day I was referred to her phone consulting times the upcoming day. She didn‘t want to get into the topic because she let herself be talked into medication she didn‘t favor by me - so it was my problem. Way to go and care for your patients I say - why hadn‘t I listened to my gut feeling?????? I called it quits with that endocrinologist. Switched to another one - which also left me with that feeling - no - not for you - get someone else. Than another circulatory collapse 14 days later - that time in the evening with my kids around, arms and feet tickling and tingling, let me tell you I really got scared. The gynecologist on duty who mad e a home visit simply said: well hormones are powerful stuff. Welcome to the world of women, those things can happen when your body needs to adapt to a different hormone setting.

Okay - all on my own I tried to figure out what was going on.
I had started HRT before I was officially allowed to, because I just couldn‘t take it anymore. So I stuck with the information I got off the web. As an anti-androgen I used Spironolactone - which can be contraindicated when one has low blood pressure - well I do have that. The first endocrinologist had ordered me to boost the estrogen dosage. Ever since I had done that the problems had started. So I decided to use a two step approach - replace Spironolactone with Androcur and also lower the estrogen dosage. This did me worlds of good - actually I was getting closer to what I‘ve been using as self medication in the beginning.

Finally, two weeks ago I found an endocrinologist where it just made CLICK!
He listened to me carefully, respected my wishes and approaches to medicine and life, didn‘t laugh at me when I asked for progesterone values to be included in the hormone status, and he considers himself to be more of a consultant than a person who tells me what to do - he always leaves the final decisions to me - that‘s what I call a doctor!!!!
They drew a blood sample and 2 days ago we discussed the results:
Pituitary gland values where way too low - so he advised to lower the estrogen dosage even more. Also my thyroid gland values where a bit low, so he recommended to start with a very low L-Thyroxine medication.
Aside from my self medication approach when I started hormones - done out of need because I couldn‘t take life anymore the way it was - I do honestly believe that hormone status and a good doctor whom you fully trust is the ticket to successful HRT - especially at my age, younger bodies might cope quite differently with whatever gets thrown at them.
Some small breast growth has settled in and whenever I see that in the mirror I can‘t help but smile and be deeply happy inside. Makes me wonder a bit, because my focus hasn‘t been on the female breast so far, but becomes increasingly more important to me right now.
Then I went to see a surgeon for SRS - sexual reassignment surgery - Dr. Schaff , Munich Germany. Dr. Morath, his partner surgeon conducted the first part of the interview, but I also wanted to meet Dr. Schaff in person. He is a fantastic man and gained my trust the very first second I met him! I got a diagnosis and a surgery appointment for.... OCTOBER 2016!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Help, help, help..... .
I can never wait that long!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
They told me that it might be possible to be put on a waiting list, so if anybody can‘t realize his or her appointment for the scheduled surgery they‘ll call upon people of the waiting list.
To me there are only 3 surgeons I would trust my body for SRS with: Dr. Schaff, Munich, Germany, Dr. Chettawut, Bangkok, Thailand or Dr. Suporn, Bangplasoi, Thailand. So only two choices - either somehow come up with money so I can have SRS in Thailand earlier or get called upon the waiting list.
Getting more and more centered within my female self, family life also changes constantly - you can hear a lot more laughter within our home - also more outbursts ;-)! Life has become happier, more worth living - overall life is just more fun, mainly because I can cope with everyday life the way I should have - should have been learning to do so about 42 years ago - or even earlier.

And I finally get what it is that I want, and that I need:
I WANT TO HAVE MY LIFE BACK - the life I had to miss for my whole life because my mind and body were worlds apart - yet forced to blend into each other.
I want to experience ,joy, my body, my feelings, my kids, my sexuality, my thoughts, my mind - the way it was supposed to be - I finally begin to grasp my female life - my life as a woman - and I won‘t let go an inch, because for the first time in my life I know I‘m on a true road to happiness, and I‘m so thankful for that.

I deeply hope that there is that special someone out there, that loves me for who I am, not loves me despite for who I am, and who will carry me on his arms with a loving hug and a kiss - along the beach into the sunset somewhere in the world

True happiness is when two loving hearts blend into one
may it happen to you too

Finally - my second birthday - September 12.09.2013!!!!

Got my therapists referral to the endocrinologist - got an apppointment the same day - started hormones that very night!!!
Finally got the feeling that I arrived at where I belong!!!

Mark Schultzes song wraps all the thankfullness, happyness and hope up in such a beautiful package.

To me the love of the creator is being handed out to all creation, that includes transsexuals, homosexuals and lesbians just as much as anybody else - no matter what official church or religious views think about that topic.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OO4S86f8BvU&list=PL404AFAB9FC4DEA5C


I agree with Pinchas Lapide who wrote as preface in one of his books:

How can people expect to just get a glimpse of creation being handicapped with the narrowness of the human mind? We already have trouble communicating with each other and trying to speak in words what one really wants to say seems so difficult each day - using the limited means of speech - so how can we expect to understand the ways and means of the eternal.

So all I can say is:

Thank you, thank you for it finally happening, thank you for all the friends and support I got during my rough times and especially within the last 8 months.
I am so thankful that the road of happiness now is wide open for me to walk on - and going my first few steps here feels right and so good!

another question answered

Actually I wanted to start my last blog with reference to a song that is somehow symptomatic at how I feel at this stage. But then it grew into such an important element that I decided to devote its own space to that train of thought.

The song‘s title is »Fragezeichen« - which is the German word for »question mark« - written by German singer songwriter Purple Schulz.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MSWm9bgkidE

I admire Purple Schulze‘s courage to write and fight for a song like that. It‘s about how a person might feel having dementia or related illnesses like Alzheimer‘s disease. During the promotion tour radio stations all over Germany refused to play the song because its content got rated too gloomy and dull - not popular enough for the »happy-world« radio stations. But various German Alzheimer support groups now feature the song/ video on their websites. Check out the comments on Purple‘s Youtube video page for »Fragezeichen« to get an impression of what the song does to people. Literally thousands of Germans looking after family members or friends dealing with issues like that are so thankful for that song because it helps them to deal  with those day to day challenges.

To me the chorus of that song reflects in music and in words how I feel at this stage of my transition:

question marks

a lonely passenger on a lost ship in a raging storm with the fear of getting lost

with all those question marks

I don‘t know who I am and where I‘m at  - I‘d be happy if I knew where to go

To me the music reflects the yearning and desperate need to be sure about the direction I want my life to take and the hopes and dreams I need and want fulfilled - to finally be happy! But also the insecurity that comes with all plans  that are about to change my life so drastically.



But from Harald Wessbecher (http://www.haraldwessbecher.de/) I learned that in the end - or (I should have) in the first place - I need to follow the voice of my heart, the only giver of advice who knows what is best for me - coming from the power of creation of all things.

I heard about people thinking they are transgender, but then realizing they are not. Sounds strange to me - but mix it up with all the thoughts whirling through my head - this fact challenges me to double check my decision. Though I already know the answer for myself, this fact doesn‘t fit into my world of thinking, really.


This led me to thinking: who is a »true« transsexual or what is the »true« transsexual like?

I believe the answer to those questions are as manifold as there are clouds in the sky or leaves of grass on a meadow. Some know from their early childhood on that something is not right - for others it takes nearly a lifetime to find out what‘s wrong in their lives.
Reaching that voice deep inside you that holds the answer can be the task of a lifetime or a moment that happens in a split second. Is the point of time  of the moment of awareness early in life an indicator of how real and true a transgender person is? I doubt it. Count yourself blessed if you didn‘t have to wait that long. Who knows about what obstacles and mountains and valleys your soul has to climb before it‘s allowed to reach that moment where you know what to do - to finally  get onto the path of happiness?

In the beginning of my transition I felt the need to be like »a woman«.
That is I guided myself along an image of what I believed a woman should be like or what »a woman« should do. Only gradually did I realize that this was the wrong path for me to take. Thanks to Emma (http://www.youtube.com/user/emmaisdrawing?feature=watch) I realized I had to find myself - find out what makes me happy, realizing which way I wanted to go to make things happen for me.
Can I keep on living being a bike and sports nut as a woman? Sure I can - if it makes me happy.
Do I need to wear fancy shoes? Not if I don‘t want to.
I guess what I‘m trying to say is, that it‘s really hard to actually find and listen to my true inner voice - the female one - that had been forced to hold back for so long --- and to separate myself from the voice of that male role that I had to stick with for so long.
It‘s quite challenging to set these two apart and to discover what it is that  I really need and want to be happy and what I want to do with my life.

Thinking about the main characteristic of my life up to the point of transitioning I came up with an answer: loneliness.

Even when having girlfriends I was lonely because I wanted to be like them  - female!
My father  always came up with that clever advice: LOVE YOURSELF BEFORE YOU LOVE SOMEONE ELSE.

Could never do that because this male character I was I had never been able to love. Only as a female can I accept myself, can I learn starting to love the woman inside me.

Unfortunately it‘s not so easy for my kids - which makes that step of loving myself difficult and that process consumes quite some of my energy to keep on going.
They have no idea of how important and vital this is for me - but how could they. They‘ve only known me being around, making everything happen, raising them best I could and the way I was - taking me for granted. They don‘t want for things to change - but that I can‘t give them. I really do hope they‘ll find a way to accept it - knowing I cause them pain feels dreadful.

Knowing it‘s the only way for me to stay alive and actually be filled with life and happiness again leaves me no other choice though. And though it may sound selfish to some people - those who understand know it‘s a matter of life and death.

Leaving man‘s land to finally go to no man‘s land



These terms have a whole new meaning for me now :-))

Mid July. It‘s been 5 months now since I made the decision that transitioning is the only way for me to be happy in this life.
It‘s quite an ambivalent situation in so many respects. I‘m yearning for my female birthday (start hormones) and wait for every day to pass to bring me closer to that moment. Yet every day is a single precious gift given to the hand of every human being - and it‘s up to us to use it best we can.
I got my braces in last Thursday. Funny how  baby meal time finds its way back into my life. Due to the movement of my teeth I can hardly chew food, so blender stick menues are the choice of the wise here. Actually spaghetti and tomatoe sauce are not all that bad when blended - it‘s only the looks of it that one needs to get used to ;-). No problem with carrot cream soup or a potatoe curry pineapple soup. But my favorite Indian butter chicken smells like the real thing, still looks quite similar to the Italian spaghetti meal we had 3 days ago. At least the Basmati rice aroma is what it used to be like - and fills the flat to make it smell like an Indian restaurant.
Had my first laser epilation treatment today. Thank goodness my beautician has hospital background and is so thoughtful- when my cardiopulmonary system got its light set onto red she handled the situation with utmost care, reclined the backrest, put my feet up, calmed me down ... and on we went. It happened at the beginning when I didn‘t know what to expect. The first few laser flashes just tingled, but after a couple of moments it felt like cutting yourself with a razorblade from time to time. After we got the face done, it wasn‘t a problem anymore and it felt like some kind of electric massage. So now I need to wait to see how much hair got eliminated - I will see after shaving within the next couple of weeks. I think I‘m going to celebrate each hair free patch with  something to make me feel good.
My therapist had to set me straight today. He clearly told me that in my case  - 48 years old and a single father of 4- the diagnosis will definitely take some time and he doesn‘t want to be rushed in any way - so I need to learn to be patient, patient, patient ... just like all the advice I got from all the trans women I‘ve been talking to so far stated. Well, I had to try - but I need to get comfortable with the thought that it might take a lot longer than I hoped it would. But what ever comes, I‘ll get going till I‘m the self I need to be.

It was really bad yesterday.
I close my eyes and I see a picture of me appear before my inner eye - my being a woman - that‘s the way I really feel. Then I open my eyes, look in the mirror and frustration gets the upper hand - a big upper hand. This male nose way too big, the hairline being on decline - all of it the way I‘ve seen it for many years and it doesn‘t fit anymore.

I can barely stand all this waiting. At times it feels like it‘s tearing me apart. When, when tell me when will my body feel at least a bit like I‘m feeling inside? An envious look follows every girl in puberty, she has the natural chance to become a woman, feel it, experience what it‘s like to become a woman without the extra effort - quite normal for her. I‘ve been told that this is also a time of feeling insecure and a that that process can be a bit scary, with all these changes taking place.

I HAVE to wait for someone (the therapist) finally giving the go-sign for my real, true life.  A longing glance follows every woman I meet -  I admire her butt, the figure, the breast, the movements - I admire the fact that there is a woman simply being able to live her life. Ohhh if I could be just a bit further down my path. Would only the hormones already start changing my body and mind, to be the one that‘s waiting to be set free inside me. Taking a look at the clock of my life it‘s about high time for it to happen.
I draw a little bit of comfort out of the fact that I am on my way at all. That my kids slowly start to realise why this is vital to me and there is no alternative to it. A few friends that stick with me, supporting me, trying to help me keep up my morale. Sometimes a few simple loving words carry me for days, like a gift given. I don‘t hate my male gender - but I need to leave it as quickly as possible! How can I hate it, when it is the basis for my femininity? Purple Schulz nailed it down in the chorus of his song »Sehnsucht«(yearning): I WANT TO GET OUT OF HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I try to get myself from day to day by small potatoes, how to pluck my eyebrows, doing toenails or when that feminine hip sway comes naturally. This tension of waiting that never seems to end is a tough load to carry. Hopefully, oh hopefully the next step to leaving the old male gender behind me is close, so it can be taken. I calm down somewhat and clear my thoughts a bit by bike riding in this awesome nature surrounding me, these majestic mountains, the clean, crisp air that I breathe, the magnificent views. This calms me down and distracts me somewhat for a short period of time. After that, the I-am-still-in-the-beginning-phase feeling hits back with full power. But I‘m going to face it - cause there is only one way to go - AHEAD! Whatever will come my way, I‘ll keep going, I‘ll endure the laughter and finger pointing of teenagers and people who don‘t understand, I‘ll bear the punishing looks of people that see me as something that shouldn‘t be because they have no idea, let the derogative comments of people stating me as a nut bounce off me. No one knows what‘s really happening deep inside me. Still - the way I am taking now is better than anything else I left behind. This is comfort and strength for another day to come - and I live my life ONE DAY AT A TIME.

Purple Schulz + Kamina

Coming from a christian background and past, it only comes natural that you (have to?) deal with people of your past while being in transition who mean well, but don‘t know what they‘re talking about. One can‘t think badly of them, because they live in a world in which a transformation like mine - or people who feel the same way I do - is not ALLOWED to happen. I wrote some lines as a response to an email today that I want to publish here:

Please refrain from trying to talk me into things that I don‘t want to do. Deep inside me a decision was made which was long overdue. Why creation lets transsexuality happen I don‘t know and no one else seems to be able to answer that question just the same. It‘s just the way it is. Some religious groups leave the impression on me that they don‘t understand - or don‘t want to understand - what happens to someone like me, because the religious universe they live in can‘t be upheld the way they have  been doing so far - because the simple black and white answer times would be over, were they trying to cross the borderline of their horizons - were they trying tu feel and understand another point of view.
There seems to be great accumulated need in the religious field in my opinion where acceptance and love for individuality and being different in creation is concerned. Maybe because some religious people adhere to coercions, rules and morale or they are being made to follow that - and this forbids them to live their lives to the fullest, according to their talents, abilities and possibilities. Otherwise they would have the grandeur to let other people find their way to be happy without experiencing their own life plan as limiting or restricting. Funny enough christian talk a lot about the uniqueness of every part of creation and then they seem to be able to explain to those unique parts of creation to which values, morale and goals they need to set out for. This has always been a great disturbance for me listening to interpretations of religious groups, but nowadays even more so, and this is why it‘s hard for me to respect people that feel obligated to that point of view. The love inherent in creation and the love of the creator applies

to us transgender people in particular. For years we have been living in a world turned upside down. A world that didn‘t allow us to live according to our talents, emotions and feelings that would meet our true persona and our calling. On the one hand there is this enormous sadness about a lost female life unlived, on the other hand I‘m indefinitely thankful having realized the need for that step and having dared actually doing it.


Wherever you are, however you feel - you are not alone!
http://www.udo-lindenberg.de/das_leben.108658.htm

The chorus of that song asks you, to get a hold of your life -  instead of letting it slip away - and never let go again.
Big thanks to Udo Lindenberg and the Panikorchester.

Starting to blog being 48 years old, being not too close with the internet means that one needs to invest precious time and energy into a project that hopefully brings positive outcome to whoever is interested in it.

Having been a single parent of 4 kids running into the 9th consecutive year is quite a challenge on its own. Add the fact that the parent feels in the wrong gender - in my case being female locked up in a male shell - the whole situation gets quite a surreal twist. I could be bitterly disappointed - my Goodness, why has it taken me so long to realize this? How much time did I waste living a life that brought me so close to the final boundary, just because I didn‘t want to listen to that voice deep in my heart?
Or I could be thankful to the creator, what luck I have to gather the strength to take this step, in spite of all the difficulties and problems. At least I can give the remaining years of my life to live the way my heart tells me to do, a desire rooted deep inside me.

The world around me has lots of reactions in store and I hear things like:

You have to think about your kids - you can‘t inflict that on them.....
Your life so far has been quite a mess - but now this.... .
What kind of nonsense haven‘t you left out in your life so far......
Well, we better stop staying in contact until further notice.......

Or that :

Well, makes quite some sense to me. Now I know where all the restlessness in your life came from...
I‘m happy for you and I really wish you to be happy and that the long search for your true self finds a good start here....

Easy to figure out which ones are the comforters of my soul.
I am surprised and sometimes quite amazed about the help and support I get from people, some of them I have known for only a very short time. The help I get from some women that seem to have a deeper connection and notion about my state of being is simply wonderful.

As you can see, my apperance is far from female and the transition will put to the test everybody involved, especially and foremost myself.
Looking in the mirror I somehow can‘t understand what I see, because this is not how I feel - and that makes me so uncomfortable.

And always prominent the monster I have to fight with every day: my impatience!!!!!

After all that time of being wrong and not walking the path of my life I should have, I don‘t want to be just one more second the way I am right now, but be the person that I feel like inside. Conversations with support group members or other women that already walked that way always had the same chorus: take your time, give yourself time - you‘ll need it. And the further I walk that road I sense that they are right - but my impatience hardly cares...... .
Next assignment - find a psychotherapist, the worrying of what‘s about to come my way doing therapy.
I finally get accepted as patient by the therapist I do have a good feeling with and a small load gets lifted from my shoulders. I finally can get into planning the time to come and think about steps to come. I can feel how I calm down inside a bit.

All of a sudden so many details and items become the most important thing in my life, whereas so far they barely touched me or seemed rather trivial. Number one on that list - my appearance! Hands, skin, nose, fingernails, teeth, figure - all of a sudden all of these are vital for my wellbeing. I already define myself so much more by my appearance and how I want to look like, that I ask myself what changes will get a grip on me in the near future.
But NEVER; NEVER; NEVER EVER am I willing to step back just one inch of the ground that I‘ve been stepping on following my true path. Finally the strength to face life and the power energy and joy that comes out of that are filling my life again - it can‘t be made up for by anything else - I‘m beginning to feel happiness and joy again!!!
ever.