Starting to blog being 48 years old, being not too close with the internet means that one needs to invest precious time and energy into a project that hopefully brings positive outcome to whoever is interested in it.

Having been a single parent of 4 kids running into the 9th consecutive year is quite a challenge on its own. Add the fact that the parent feels in the wrong gender - in my case being female locked up in a male shell - the whole situation gets quite a surreal twist. I could be bitterly disappointed - my Goodness, why has it taken me so long to realize this? How much time did I waste living a life that brought me so close to the final boundary, just because I didn‘t want to listen to that voice deep in my heart?
Or I could be thankful to the creator, what luck I have to gather the strength to take this step, in spite of all the difficulties and problems. At least I can give the remaining years of my life to live the way my heart tells me to do, a desire rooted deep inside me.

The world around me has lots of reactions in store and I hear things like:

You have to think about your kids - you can‘t inflict that on them.....
Your life so far has been quite a mess - but now this.... .
What kind of nonsense haven‘t you left out in your life so far......
Well, we better stop staying in contact until further notice.......

Or that :

Well, makes quite some sense to me. Now I know where all the restlessness in your life came from...
I‘m happy for you and I really wish you to be happy and that the long search for your true self finds a good start here....

Easy to figure out which ones are the comforters of my soul.
I am surprised and sometimes quite amazed about the help and support I get from people, some of them I have known for only a very short time. The help I get from some women that seem to have a deeper connection and notion about my state of being is simply wonderful.

As you can see, my apperance is far from female and the transition will put to the test everybody involved, especially and foremost myself.
Looking in the mirror I somehow can‘t understand what I see, because this is not how I feel - and that makes me so uncomfortable.

And always prominent the monster I have to fight with every day: my impatience!!!!!

After all that time of being wrong and not walking the path of my life I should have, I don‘t want to be just one more second the way I am right now, but be the person that I feel like inside. Conversations with support group members or other women that already walked that way always had the same chorus: take your time, give yourself time - you‘ll need it. And the further I walk that road I sense that they are right - but my impatience hardly cares...... .
Next assignment - find a psychotherapist, the worrying of what‘s about to come my way doing therapy.
I finally get accepted as patient by the therapist I do have a good feeling with and a small load gets lifted from my shoulders. I finally can get into planning the time to come and think about steps to come. I can feel how I calm down inside a bit.

All of a sudden so many details and items become the most important thing in my life, whereas so far they barely touched me or seemed rather trivial. Number one on that list - my appearance! Hands, skin, nose, fingernails, teeth, figure - all of a sudden all of these are vital for my wellbeing. I already define myself so much more by my appearance and how I want to look like, that I ask myself what changes will get a grip on me in the near future.
But NEVER; NEVER; NEVER EVER am I willing to step back just one inch of the ground that I‘ve been stepping on following my true path. Finally the strength to face life and the power energy and joy that comes out of that are filling my life again - it can‘t be made up for by anything else - I‘m beginning to feel happiness and joy again!!!
ever.