It was really bad yesterday.
I close my eyes and I see a picture of me appear before my inner eye - my being a woman - that‘s the way I really feel. Then I open my eyes, look in the mirror and frustration gets the upper hand - a big upper hand. This male nose way too big, the hairline being on decline - all of it the way I‘ve seen it for many years and it doesn‘t fit anymore.

I can barely stand all this waiting. At times it feels like it‘s tearing me apart. When, when tell me when will my body feel at least a bit like I‘m feeling inside? An envious look follows every girl in puberty, she has the natural chance to become a woman, feel it, experience what it‘s like to become a woman without the extra effort - quite normal for her. I‘ve been told that this is also a time of feeling insecure and a that that process can be a bit scary, with all these changes taking place.

I HAVE to wait for someone (the therapist) finally giving the go-sign for my real, true life.  A longing glance follows every woman I meet -  I admire her butt, the figure, the breast, the movements - I admire the fact that there is a woman simply being able to live her life. Ohhh if I could be just a bit further down my path. Would only the hormones already start changing my body and mind, to be the one that‘s waiting to be set free inside me. Taking a look at the clock of my life it‘s about high time for it to happen.
I draw a little bit of comfort out of the fact that I am on my way at all. That my kids slowly start to realise why this is vital to me and there is no alternative to it. A few friends that stick with me, supporting me, trying to help me keep up my morale. Sometimes a few simple loving words carry me for days, like a gift given. I don‘t hate my male gender - but I need to leave it as quickly as possible! How can I hate it, when it is the basis for my femininity? Purple Schulz nailed it down in the chorus of his song »Sehnsucht«(yearning): I WANT TO GET OUT OF HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I try to get myself from day to day by small potatoes, how to pluck my eyebrows, doing toenails or when that feminine hip sway comes naturally. This tension of waiting that never seems to end is a tough load to carry. Hopefully, oh hopefully the next step to leaving the old male gender behind me is close, so it can be taken. I calm down somewhat and clear my thoughts a bit by bike riding in this awesome nature surrounding me, these majestic mountains, the clean, crisp air that I breathe, the magnificent views. This calms me down and distracts me somewhat for a short period of time. After that, the I-am-still-in-the-beginning-phase feeling hits back with full power. But I‘m going to face it - cause there is only one way to go - AHEAD! Whatever will come my way, I‘ll keep going, I‘ll endure the laughter and finger pointing of teenagers and people who don‘t understand, I‘ll bear the punishing looks of people that see me as something that shouldn‘t be because they have no idea, let the derogative comments of people stating me as a nut bounce off me. No one knows what‘s really happening deep inside me. Still - the way I am taking now is better than anything else I left behind. This is comfort and strength for another day to come - and I live my life ONE DAY AT A TIME.

Purple Schulz + Kamina