I heard about people thinking they are transgender, but then realizing they are not. Sounds strange to me - but mix it up with all the thoughts whirling through my head - this fact challenges me to double check my decision. Though I already know the answer for myself, this fact doesn‘t fit into my world of thinking, really.


This led me to thinking: who is a »true« transsexual or what is the »true« transsexual like?

I believe the answer to those questions are as manifold as there are clouds in the sky or leaves of grass on a meadow. Some know from their early childhood on that something is not right - for others it takes nearly a lifetime to find out what‘s wrong in their lives.
Reaching that voice deep inside you that holds the answer can be the task of a lifetime or a moment that happens in a split second. Is the point of time  of the moment of awareness early in life an indicator of how real and true a transgender person is? I doubt it. Count yourself blessed if you didn‘t have to wait that long. Who knows about what obstacles and mountains and valleys your soul has to climb before it‘s allowed to reach that moment where you know what to do - to finally  get onto the path of happiness?

In the beginning of my transition I felt the need to be like »a woman«.
That is I guided myself along an image of what I believed a woman should be like or what »a woman« should do. Only gradually did I realize that this was the wrong path for me to take. Thanks to Emma (http://www.youtube.com/user/emmaisdrawing?feature=watch) I realized I had to find myself - find out what makes me happy, realizing which way I wanted to go to make things happen for me.
Can I keep on living being a bike and sports nut as a woman? Sure I can - if it makes me happy.
Do I need to wear fancy shoes? Not if I don‘t want to.
I guess what I‘m trying to say is, that it‘s really hard to actually find and listen to my true inner voice - the female one - that had been forced to hold back for so long --- and to separate myself from the voice of that male role that I had to stick with for so long.
It‘s quite challenging to set these two apart and to discover what it is that  I really need and want to be happy and what I want to do with my life.

Thinking about the main characteristic of my life up to the point of transitioning I came up with an answer: loneliness.

Even when having girlfriends I was lonely because I wanted to be like them  - female!
My father  always came up with that clever advice: LOVE YOURSELF BEFORE YOU LOVE SOMEONE ELSE.

Could never do that because this male character I was I had never been able to love. Only as a female can I accept myself, can I learn starting to love the woman inside me.

Unfortunately it‘s not so easy for my kids - which makes that step of loving myself difficult and that process consumes quite some of my energy to keep on going.
They have no idea of how important and vital this is for me - but how could they. They‘ve only known me being around, making everything happen, raising them best I could and the way I was - taking me for granted. They don‘t want for things to change - but that I can‘t give them. I really do hope they‘ll find a way to accept it - knowing I cause them pain feels dreadful.

Knowing it‘s the only way for me to stay alive and actually be filled with life and happiness again leaves me no other choice though. And though it may sound selfish to some people - those who understand know it‘s a matter of life and death.