Leaving man‘s land to finally go to no man‘s land



These terms have a whole new meaning for me now :-))

Mid July. It‘s been 5 months now since I made the decision that transitioning is the only way for me to be happy in this life.
It‘s quite an ambivalent situation in so many respects. I‘m yearning for my female birthday (start hormones) and wait for every day to pass to bring me closer to that moment. Yet every day is a single precious gift given to the hand of every human being - and it‘s up to us to use it best we can.
I got my braces in last Thursday. Funny how  baby meal time finds its way back into my life. Due to the movement of my teeth I can hardly chew food, so blender stick menues are the choice of the wise here. Actually spaghetti and tomatoe sauce are not all that bad when blended - it‘s only the looks of it that one needs to get used to ;-). No problem with carrot cream soup or a potatoe curry pineapple soup. But my favorite Indian butter chicken smells like the real thing, still looks quite similar to the Italian spaghetti meal we had 3 days ago. At least the Basmati rice aroma is what it used to be like - and fills the flat to make it smell like an Indian restaurant.
Had my first laser epilation treatment today. Thank goodness my beautician has hospital background and is so thoughtful- when my cardiopulmonary system got its light set onto red she handled the situation with utmost care, reclined the backrest, put my feet up, calmed me down ... and on we went. It happened at the beginning when I didn‘t know what to expect. The first few laser flashes just tingled, but after a couple of moments it felt like cutting yourself with a razorblade from time to time. After we got the face done, it wasn‘t a problem anymore and it felt like some kind of electric massage. So now I need to wait to see how much hair got eliminated - I will see after shaving within the next couple of weeks. I think I‘m going to celebrate each hair free patch with  something to make me feel good.
My therapist had to set me straight today. He clearly told me that in my case  - 48 years old and a single father of 4- the diagnosis will definitely take some time and he doesn‘t want to be rushed in any way - so I need to learn to be patient, patient, patient ... just like all the advice I got from all the trans women I‘ve been talking to so far stated. Well, I had to try - but I need to get comfortable with the thought that it might take a lot longer than I hoped it would. But what ever comes, I‘ll get going till I‘m the self I need to be.

It was really bad yesterday.
I close my eyes and I see a picture of me appear before my inner eye - my being a woman - that‘s the way I really feel. Then I open my eyes, look in the mirror and frustration gets the upper hand - a big upper hand. This male nose way too big, the hairline being on decline - all of it the way I‘ve seen it for many years and it doesn‘t fit anymore.

I can barely stand all this waiting. At times it feels like it‘s tearing me apart. When, when tell me when will my body feel at least a bit like I‘m feeling inside? An envious look follows every girl in puberty, she has the natural chance to become a woman, feel it, experience what it‘s like to become a woman without the extra effort - quite normal for her. I‘ve been told that this is also a time of feeling insecure and a that that process can be a bit scary, with all these changes taking place.

I HAVE to wait for someone (the therapist) finally giving the go-sign for my real, true life.  A longing glance follows every woman I meet -  I admire her butt, the figure, the breast, the movements - I admire the fact that there is a woman simply being able to live her life. Ohhh if I could be just a bit further down my path. Would only the hormones already start changing my body and mind, to be the one that‘s waiting to be set free inside me. Taking a look at the clock of my life it‘s about high time for it to happen.
I draw a little bit of comfort out of the fact that I am on my way at all. That my kids slowly start to realise why this is vital to me and there is no alternative to it. A few friends that stick with me, supporting me, trying to help me keep up my morale. Sometimes a few simple loving words carry me for days, like a gift given. I don‘t hate my male gender - but I need to leave it as quickly as possible! How can I hate it, when it is the basis for my femininity? Purple Schulz nailed it down in the chorus of his song »Sehnsucht«(yearning): I WANT TO GET OUT OF HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I try to get myself from day to day by small potatoes, how to pluck my eyebrows, doing toenails or when that feminine hip sway comes naturally. This tension of waiting that never seems to end is a tough load to carry. Hopefully, oh hopefully the next step to leaving the old male gender behind me is close, so it can be taken. I calm down somewhat and clear my thoughts a bit by bike riding in this awesome nature surrounding me, these majestic mountains, the clean, crisp air that I breathe, the magnificent views. This calms me down and distracts me somewhat for a short period of time. After that, the I-am-still-in-the-beginning-phase feeling hits back with full power. But I‘m going to face it - cause there is only one way to go - AHEAD! Whatever will come my way, I‘ll keep going, I‘ll endure the laughter and finger pointing of teenagers and people who don‘t understand, I‘ll bear the punishing looks of people that see me as something that shouldn‘t be because they have no idea, let the derogative comments of people stating me as a nut bounce off me. No one knows what‘s really happening deep inside me. Still - the way I am taking now is better than anything else I left behind. This is comfort and strength for another day to come - and I live my life ONE DAY AT A TIME.

Purple Schulz + Kamina

Coming from a christian background and past, it only comes natural that you (have to?) deal with people of your past while being in transition who mean well, but don‘t know what they‘re talking about. One can‘t think badly of them, because they live in a world in which a transformation like mine - or people who feel the same way I do - is not ALLOWED to happen. I wrote some lines as a response to an email today that I want to publish here:

Please refrain from trying to talk me into things that I don‘t want to do. Deep inside me a decision was made which was long overdue. Why creation lets transsexuality happen I don‘t know and no one else seems to be able to answer that question just the same. It‘s just the way it is. Some religious groups leave the impression on me that they don‘t understand - or don‘t want to understand - what happens to someone like me, because the religious universe they live in can‘t be upheld the way they have  been doing so far - because the simple black and white answer times would be over, were they trying to cross the borderline of their horizons - were they trying tu feel and understand another point of view.
There seems to be great accumulated need in the religious field in my opinion where acceptance and love for individuality and being different in creation is concerned. Maybe because some religious people adhere to coercions, rules and morale or they are being made to follow that - and this forbids them to live their lives to the fullest, according to their talents, abilities and possibilities. Otherwise they would have the grandeur to let other people find their way to be happy without experiencing their own life plan as limiting or restricting. Funny enough christian talk a lot about the uniqueness of every part of creation and then they seem to be able to explain to those unique parts of creation to which values, morale and goals they need to set out for. This has always been a great disturbance for me listening to interpretations of religious groups, but nowadays even more so, and this is why it‘s hard for me to respect people that feel obligated to that point of view. The love inherent in creation and the love of the creator applies

to us transgender people in particular. For years we have been living in a world turned upside down. A world that didn‘t allow us to live according to our talents, emotions and feelings that would meet our true persona and our calling. On the one hand there is this enormous sadness about a lost female life unlived, on the other hand I‘m indefinitely thankful having realized the need for that step and having dared actually doing it.


Wherever you are, however you feel - you are not alone!
http://www.udo-lindenberg.de/das_leben.108658.htm

The chorus of that song asks you, to get a hold of your life -  instead of letting it slip away - and never let go again.
Big thanks to Udo Lindenberg and the Panikorchester.

Starting to blog being 48 years old, being not too close with the internet means that one needs to invest precious time and energy into a project that hopefully brings positive outcome to whoever is interested in it.

Having been a single parent of 4 kids running into the 9th consecutive year is quite a challenge on its own. Add the fact that the parent feels in the wrong gender - in my case being female locked up in a male shell - the whole situation gets quite a surreal twist. I could be bitterly disappointed - my Goodness, why has it taken me so long to realize this? How much time did I waste living a life that brought me so close to the final boundary, just because I didn‘t want to listen to that voice deep in my heart?
Or I could be thankful to the creator, what luck I have to gather the strength to take this step, in spite of all the difficulties and problems. At least I can give the remaining years of my life to live the way my heart tells me to do, a desire rooted deep inside me.

The world around me has lots of reactions in store and I hear things like:

You have to think about your kids - you can‘t inflict that on them.....
Your life so far has been quite a mess - but now this.... .
What kind of nonsense haven‘t you left out in your life so far......
Well, we better stop staying in contact until further notice.......

Or that :

Well, makes quite some sense to me. Now I know where all the restlessness in your life came from...
I‘m happy for you and I really wish you to be happy and that the long search for your true self finds a good start here....

Easy to figure out which ones are the comforters of my soul.
I am surprised and sometimes quite amazed about the help and support I get from people, some of them I have known for only a very short time. The help I get from some women that seem to have a deeper connection and notion about my state of being is simply wonderful.

As you can see, my apperance is far from female and the transition will put to the test everybody involved, especially and foremost myself.
Looking in the mirror I somehow can‘t understand what I see, because this is not how I feel - and that makes me so uncomfortable.

And always prominent the monster I have to fight with every day: my impatience!!!!!

After all that time of being wrong and not walking the path of my life I should have, I don‘t want to be just one more second the way I am right now, but be the person that I feel like inside. Conversations with support group members or other women that already walked that way always had the same chorus: take your time, give yourself time - you‘ll need it. And the further I walk that road I sense that they are right - but my impatience hardly cares...... .
Next assignment - find a psychotherapist, the worrying of what‘s about to come my way doing therapy.
I finally get accepted as patient by the therapist I do have a good feeling with and a small load gets lifted from my shoulders. I finally can get into planning the time to come and think about steps to come. I can feel how I calm down inside a bit.

All of a sudden so many details and items become the most important thing in my life, whereas so far they barely touched me or seemed rather trivial. Number one on that list - my appearance! Hands, skin, nose, fingernails, teeth, figure - all of a sudden all of these are vital for my wellbeing. I already define myself so much more by my appearance and how I want to look like, that I ask myself what changes will get a grip on me in the near future.
But NEVER; NEVER; NEVER EVER am I willing to step back just one inch of the ground that I‘ve been stepping on following my true path. Finally the strength to face life and the power energy and joy that comes out of that are filling my life again - it can‘t be made up for by anything else - I‘m beginning to feel happiness and joy again!!!
ever.