When is a girl a boy ... or a girl .... or herself

I was looking at older pictures of me with a friend of mine the other day - and she really liked »the guy« she saw there - she found him attractive and very masculine.
I could absolutely not agree in terms of me being that person.
I looked kind of fit - yes. I did loads of sports - sometimes more than was good for me - to fit an image - to take over a role I was supposed to have with this male body of mine.
My friend said:
Well, know I know why some of your friends wondered when you started to transition - you look like a male impersonation.

Had I been acting all those years?
Yes - and no.
I tried my best to ignore what happened deep inside of me - although I knew instinctively it would never change - but at least I had to try, right?? Wrong!
I was just fooling myself - making things worse every day that I spent in denial of who I really was.

The tricky thing is this though:
I was not so much into make-up, dresses and dolls.
I didn’t fulfill any of the accepted stereotypes of what a girl is supposed to be like.
So how was I to know I was a girl??
Climbing trees? Yes absolutely - show me one and I’ll try to get up there.
Doing sports and being outdoors? Yes, the sooner the better - and can’t get enough of it.
Doing knitting crafts at school? No - not for me really.
Being with boys - no - not really - always felt kind of uncomfortable with what they were doing.
Joined the boy scouts but didn’t stay there long - not for me - too different a world where I felt I didn’t fit in.
Playing the guitar and making music? Yes please - don’t really want to stop playing and making music.

But then puberty came - the shock of dealing with changes I didn’t want - yet saw no chance of stopping them. I knew who I wanted to be - that girl on the picture there - what a desperate illusion - who was I kidding - my body couldn’t be changed - that is what I thought and believed in at that time.

Then that Christian and go-to-church-phase. This citation hits it bullseye how I felt and saw my life at that time:

I was condemned to live my life as a man

- no way out - backed up by church ethics and morals.
Yet my feelings inside didn’t change - they grew stronger and stronger each year - the desire to leave that male body behind somehow always found its way to get my attention.

Then there is the relationship issue:
Since I always liked girls - how for the life of me would I have known that I was a lesbian trans*girl... or at least a bisexual one??????
A trans*girl who is after boys - yes understandable - and after ruling out suppressed homosexuality that might have made sense to most people.

Yet here I was - this mixture of a lesbian/bisexual tomboy trans*girl personality .....


My first relationship ended in a fiasco - I couldn’t love myself but wanted to be like her instead.
When I told her she sought help from other people and I was to explain myself  why I was feeling that way and why I couldn’t accept to be male.
That experience made me feel so ashamed about how I felt that I swore to myself that I would lock up my secret and tell NO ONE EVER AGAIN - that lasted for 30 years - until my body made it clear to me - change or leave that life. And I chose to live.
So as you can see - I never really fit into any category myself.
People on the outside would place me in the male category - I became a loner - a lonesome girl who came alive at night - daydreaming my womanhood away - just to wake up in the morning asking myself if I had gotten completely crazy.

The point I want to make is this:
When you are born as the typical female that fits the girly stereotype - then it is »relatively« easy to know what’s wrong and get the cue that one is trans.
Yet I am a lesbian/bisexual tomboy - so how in the world could anybody guess I was trans? Well there were hints along the way - yet I believe you get where I am heading.
The only aspect where I could say for sure that something was totally wrong was when I took a close look at my body and my sexuality - both were always like an alien to me.
I didn’t respect and honor my body in those days - I used my body like a machine to get some spark out of life by doing extreme sports -  I tried to live a male stereotype that would never work for me - simply because I was not male.

Believe me when I say I tried to accept a sexuality that was assigned to me at birth - it didn’t work, has never worked!
But finally now with my HRT and my SRS - now I have a peace and a happiness I have never had before in my whole entire life - and it is just so right.

Why do I write about it?

Because I want to encourage those trans*people out there who might also be faced with the situation that all the trans*issue boils down to one point: your sexuality and your genitals.
For some people this is the only clue you will get to realize that you are trans.
It is not about the make-up or stereotypes of what a woman is, should be like, act like or behave like.
It is about how you feel about that sex you are born in and the gender you identify with. It might be different for some trans*women - but I believe there are enough trans*girls like me out there - and I want to encourage you to take an honest look at yourself - how you feel about your body, your sex and your genitals in the deepest, most honest way. It might open up the door to a happy life which you never believed possible, just because you forgot to check THAT corner of your personality.

Experienced specialists will help you to figure yourself out - yet only if they are open to trans*people - unfortunately there are therapists out there who don’t take trans*sexuality serious. It’s understood that these people will not be of any help at all.

No matter what - risk that honest and deep down look at yourself and dig up your feelings.
Our hearts and our bodies already know deep down inside - it’s all about the fact if you can or want to face it - no matter what stereotypes or role expectations might dictate - this is about the one and only person that is important in your life - and that is you.

This is one of those days........

The questions pops up now and again - why is it that my soul somehow chose to go into this life as a transsexual? The yearning I feel to have the physical body that so completely fits my gender - the way I see myself and the way I feel inside. Other people on the planet feel comfortable and completely at home in their skin - and don‘t even know that there are people in this world where this basic of all human aspects is so different.
To them being male or female is normal, looking in the mirror and seeing a female or a male face and body is so normal - they think about which aspect of their male or female body they would want different  - or more prominent - or more beautiful. The sex they experience is in accordance with their heart and mind - that is such a blessing - and they don‘t even feel, realize or see that.
Too basic is that aspect rooted in ourselves, too deep the concept to be whole and complete as to imagine it could be different - or that it could not be so.


So I sit here and look at this beautiful young girl, so female, so natural, so easy how everything comes to her - her voice, her movements, her feelings and her gestures. The way her face looks, her hair falls. I see that knowing that I never had those teen years where a woman finds her paths - her ways on what she believes to be important in her life, the roads to explore her own sexuality and personality. Tears running down my face - torn between the happiness that we get medical and surgical help to ease our situation and live a life close to what it could have been like  - and the dream of having lived my life with my sex and my gender playing the same song - being in tune.

I know what it feels like to go through a puberty that doesn‘t match what the mind wants to feel and see.
I know about the shame a trans*person faces when the idea of being different - being transsexual - becomes clear and real.
I know about the devastating and destructive effects of misunderstood religious views and ideas, branding me with the burn mark »not wanted by man - because believed impossible to be a part of creation«.
I know how it feels to be rejected by your own family who for whatever reason can‘t love you the way you are.

I also know how it feels when strangers come up to me saying - I admire you for how you stand up for yourself - I have greatest respect for the way you put into reality what you feel inside - how you live what you feel.
I also know how it feels when other trans*people or families say: thank you for your help - thank you for making me feel like being human - thank you for helping me/ us along to have visions of what the future can be like - and to have a happy kid.

I believe there is a reason why everything in life happens the way it does.

So there is a reason why my transition didn’t happen earlier - although there are so many moments when I wish I had done so - yet at that same instance I know there is no reason to blame myself for not having done so - because if I could have done so I would have done so. I believe the way it happened is the way it is best for me.

YET STILL....
Too many people don’t know the facts about us trans*gender people and too many have no idea what can be done once a trans*person is in your circles.

That is why I will devote time and love to spread the word on how families can help their maybe trans*kids to lead a normal life by freezing puberty - to win time to evaluate if the child is actually transsexual  - by freezing a puberty that doesn‘t swing with the song the soul wants to sing.
Should it turn out that at some stage during the puberty freeze the child should decide different - and she/he decides that the need for living in the so far affirmed gender turns out to be wrong - and that she/he will want to live in the sex that she/he was born in - THEN the puberty freeze gets stopped - and the puberty according to the physical sex assigned at birth will take its natural course - only a bit later on in life - no side effects.

Should the child stay its course and insist on living in the affirmed gender different from the sex assigned at birth - while going through intense psychometric testing - then cross gender hormone therapy is the only way to relieve the child of its burden and suffering.

Then see how a child springs back into life when cross sex hormone therapy induces the puberty that makes the soul sing the song of life out loud.
These children will be just like their non-trans*peers - you couldn‘t pick them out in a crowd as being trans*sexual if you had to. They will be spared all those surgeries and long tedious hours to make the physical female/male burden disappear that older transsexuals are willing to go through to finally find inner peace. All those numerous epilation sessions, the facial feminisation surgeries to remove the puberty induced hormone traits that define a person as male or female, the voice chord surgery, so a trans*woman finally sounds right to her own ears, breast augmentation - in case the hormones can’t change the body to match a female appearance and finally SRS surgery - the ultimate, irrevocable step to make a trans*woman feel at home in her own body.

Our bodies are the most amazing gifts we get in life - and I am so happy and thankful, that my body is willing to make and go through all those changes with me.

Yet it doesn‘t have to be this way - when parents and society learn to love children the way they are - give them chances to walk their path early in life.

Show all kids what it means to be loved - and if you happen to be blessed with trans*children give them the chance to life their life in their affirmed gender!
And when puberty sets in give them the chance of a puberty freeze to reflect on who they are - and should they stay the course then let them start the cross hormone therapy they are longing for so desperately - to open up a happy life for them!

https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=407602542742290&pnref=story

That will pay my flowing and falling tears justice - to see trans*children and their families leading happy lives - and maybe some of those very happy moments will reflect the life I didn‘t live but am now allowed to live so happily.

time to say good-bye part 2 ...... and WELCOME

Time to say goodbye part 2 … and WELCOME to my new beginning

Life and creation have been so, so,so awesome, wonderful, breathtaking and fulfilling to me.

My oldest daughter finished first in her class in 2013/14, got awarded loads of prizes and has come up with one of the best grade point averages this school has ever seen – though it was her that put in all the work and performed awesome at every school that she has been to - while we travelled through Germany following my job offers – she managed to top it all off with that amazing performance – and I can't be but proud of her although I had no part in her learning and preperations for zillions of exams. 

She did all this next to becoming a well liked and loved skiing instructor over the 13/14 skiing season. She also got awarded a full scholarship for an exchange student year in the USA due to her excellent grades and performances at the respective interviews. She will be leaving us this week and I wish her an awesome year that exceeds her wildest dreams – you made that possible honey, enjoy every second of it! I am so proud of you for turning your dreams into reality!!!!!

I wanted for my kids to grow up and get the chance to live their life – since each of them is the most important person in each respective life. That also includes backing up decisions I wish they would not take. My youngest son moved to his mother in the beginning of August – my transition obviously playing a big role in his decision. I love you with all of my heart my youngest one, and wherever and whenever you need a home, you know you will always have one wherever I am. I hope for your wishes and expectations to come true and should that fail or should you be in need of shelter you will always have open arms to run into.

My middle children take on the world in their own way, and I know there will be so many occasions and situations coming where I will be proud of them and totally love them for who they are.

It is such great pleasure and a huge privilege to watch them growing up and being successful in their own way.

I handed in my applications for SRS, trachea shave and voice chord surgery with my health care provider on June 2nd. I haven't heard from them for over 2 months.

Then I got a call from a former collegue of mine – she asked me if I had found a sponsor for my SRS. I told her that so far I am still waiting for help. Then she said she has someone who would sponsor me. Total silence on the phone. She asked: Mona you still there?? After I regained composure I said: your not kidding me, are you?

She said: no, it's true, if you want to this person will help you.

You need to know I „put in an order with the universe“ in late winter, so I was sure something was about to happen this year, but when actually confronted with it it just left me speechless and I was wondering in awe at the love of the universe towards those who ask.

Then things all happened really quickly – within a couple of days a flight was booked, a surgery spot with Dr. Chettawut opened up, childcare for my kids during that time got arranged and off to Thailand I was.

You need to know that usually neither Dr. Suporn nor Dr. Chettwaut have some last minute surgery options. At this moment a client had shifted her surgery towards Christmas and the universe opened up that spot for me. I had SRS surgery on August 1st. Dr. Chettwaut promised to give his best and he kept every single word!!!!!

He ran into the challenge of clearing scar tissue in my lower abdomen – which would have left me with hardly any vaginal depth – so he did his best and performed a 9 hour surgery on me.

4 days post-op I got transferred to the hotel for after care and before that, the main packing came off.

On August 7th the vaginal packing came of and on August 9th th catheter got removed. My healing process is going well and steady.

Dr. Chettawut deserves my deepest gratitude for his wonderful, compassionate work and the dedication he shares with every single patient of his. He and his staff are outstanding people, always friendly, helpful and very caring.

When I had consultation with Dr. Chettawut I realized how gentle yet firm all of his fingers worked while examining me. And I knew in an instant that I am in the best hands possible – if they manage to make me move and turn THIS WAY now, he will perform an awesome surgery – and so he did.

Although the body parts are still swollen I so love what I can see, feel and touch and it will get better day by day.

Dilation now is my responsibility and it is absolutely essential to strictly follow the timetable of dilation, otherwise I will loose my vaginal depth and even the vagina will close completely due to the body's wound contraction efforts, which are counteracted by dilation.

A lot of very unusual body sensations are waiting to be discovered and adjusted to and it takes a bit of time for the brain to rewire my body's new landscape.

So the first time I wanted to pee I was astounded because it felt that the point of fluid leaving my body was where it had been before, yet the penis was gone – and the sensation was so peculiar that all of a sudden the pee was leaving my body somewhere completely different. But it gets better and it feels more in accordance with my new body parts now and it is so wonderful to finally have things happen so everything feels right and familiar to me.

When the nurse cleans the outsides of my new genitals I can feel how sensate I am – and let me tell you - there is PLENTY of sensation down there!!! Again just as Dr. Chettawut promised.

To finally say good-bye was easy and just a natural step to take after all that has happened so far.

No regrets in any way – just a huge thankfulness towards my body and former genitals to do this transformation for me, to get me happy and to make me live my life now – my Mona life.

And so WELCOME my Mona life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And WELCOME to my Mona child within me, which I had the privilege to give birth to – another surprise the universe had for me – so another dream of mine came true: giving birth to a child - just in a different way than I expected that to happen – and I can easily deal with my post-op care, because I know what was brought to life – just like any mother manages to go through the things she has to face while giving birth.

So this Mona life will be happy, fulfilling, wonderful and exciting beyond believe.

Thank you universe, thank you life, thank you love, thank you to creation for getting me to where I am today.

This is my first blog post as MONA MAIER :-)!!



I got my legal status change on May 15th 2014.
Sex:female
Name: Mona Maier
Everything else is history.
That just feels sooooooo good. A great wonderful step towards MY LIFE.
There are so many things I have learned since I wrote my last blog.
Every day is like a new life waiting to be celebrated - and now I truly can.
I am thankful for all the blessings I can enjoy each day:

• getting up in the morning for having the privilege of getting to live another day
• being healthy and well
• having good and healthy food to eat
• having this wonderful landscape to enjoy and dwell in
• having angels walking by my side
• having a heart to guide me when I‘m listening,
• having a roof over my head
• having great friends who stay by my side
• having a good bed to sleep in
• having wonderful healthy children - each of them so different and ready to take on their own life.

One of the companions I have is my »tree of life« as I named it.
It‘s located on a small hill near a chapel with a magnificent, grand view of the surrounding mountain ranges.


Whenever I rest by its side it blesses me with visions, fresh ideas or knowledge that leads me further on my path.
It made me realize not to forget the experiences I made as Marc and honor Marc and his legacy - because he is the foundation on which my life as Mona is based on. Realizing this while my tree of life gave me this revelation - tears ran down my face  for what seemed like endless minutes. I was about to forget my past as Marc and I somehow was glad about it. Then my tree of life gave voice to my heart: stop this - remember him, he made all these experiences so you could finally get to the point where you are now. Instead of forgetting Marc he should have a place of honor in the memory of your past. So in my mind Marc and Mona first held each others hands and then embraced - tears again streaming down continually - and then they finally merged into one person - ME - and a peace got hold of myself and my heart that is too wonderful to put in words.
All this I owe to my tree of life and whenever I have time I pass by it, rest in the shade of its branches or lean against its stem, waiting for whatever it wants to tell me or simply feel how it charges me with its power. This place is truly a place of magic, wonder and meditation for me.


My physical change is well on the way. Just the other day I met a person who hasn‘t seen me for about 6 months - she didn‘t recognize me at frist. Only after I said Hello Mrs XXXXX did she finally say: ohh - it‘s you! You have changed so much!
You can imagine my inner smile spreading all over my body and soul after hearing this.

I learned a lot about taking charge of my life - especially in respect to doctors and medication.
Unlike in the US a lot of German people don‘t question what a doctor or a professor tells them. People take it for granted - and they believe for every word to be true.

I can honestly say that Germany really lacks doctors and surgeons devoted to our special needs. My rhinoplasty alone is something that leaves me with this recommendation: don‘t have it done in Germany!
I suggest to every person considering surgery under the transsexual label: get at least 2 opinions from 2 surgeons - let them illustrate what they have planned. If they fail to do that for whatever reason (it always turns out differently/ expectations of the patient might not be met etc.) - simply forget it! They have no idea on what you want or how you want it. for FFS I recommend this website as a starter:
http://www.virtualffs.co.uk/index.html
This can be helpful to show your surgeon what you want to have done. If he can‘t stick to the concept to do it as is recommended by Alexandra‘s results - simply say: I believe you are not the surgeon I want to go with.

For SRS I personally think the same: forget Germany and it‘s surgeons. Thailand is the place to go to. At the moment I am joining forces with the Green Party to create a change in the current situation of how the German health care system neglects better results for less costs - simply because the surgeons are not German. I believe that this current situation is totally unacceptable.


To sum it up for today - at our front door I put up a picture that reads like this:



And I wish my kids do realize how important it is for each and every person to be able to say that about themselves in the first place - just as I got the chance to learn that for myself. Then walking the walk of life is great, fun and one heck of a journey.

Time to say good-bye .... part 1

Yes, it really is time to say good-bye to my past.



By now the results of HRT have changed my body noticeably - also some major surgeries are on their way in the near future.

So it is time to say good-bye and to say a big thank you - to my male prison - the body that has served me for years, which unfortunately was the wrong one to be born in. I am thankful for all there is, all the changes my body is willing to go through for me, to see me happy and have me were I truly and really belong. I will have my second rhinoplasty on Tuesday February 25th - performed by a professor I trust truly and deeply and who has been helpful and generous beyond belief.

I know deep inside that this step will mark a new stage on the road to my female body.

I won‘t be the same person as before - my changes will become more visible and more apparent to everyone around me. I can sense that it will affect me in a much stronger and deeper way than anything else I have done so far in the process of my transition.

A huge »Thank You« for all the people who support me with good thoughts, prayers, good wishes and who wish me good luck for all the surgeries needed.

I am very excited, still at the same time I am stepping on unknown territory - knowing it‘s the right thing to do - and having a strange feeling at the same time - so I just close my eyes and trusting in fate and the power of life – take one step at a time, putting one foot in front of the other - to see what life‘s got in store for me.

I am so grateful and thankful that most of my kids chose to walk that path along with me - and hopefully, the one that has to deal with my transition a lot more than the others will come around as time passes -  I love you all so much - you mean the world to me.

Rhinoplasty is now agood 10 days past. From what I can see so far it has truly been successful this time - so I owe a very big "Thank-You" to Prof. MD Staudenmaier, ENT professional plastic surgeon in Munich who not only put into reality my visions of what my nose needs to be like but who also managed to revise all the deficits the last rhinoplasty left on and in my face and bones.

I also owe the very talented photographer Heike Sickert-Kuchenbecker a big hats-off since she managed to portray me before my rhinoplasty in such honesty that I‘m truly baffled on how she manages to bring out the essentials of every person she takes photos of.

As I prepare for my next major steps my mind keeps whirling around the SRS (sexual reassignment surgery) procedure.

 

 I find myself preparing for this major step of my transition mentally every day in thoughts and meditations ....... I so desperately pray it will happen soon ....

My Blind Side

 

In sports the Blind Side is  the part of one‘s field of vision where one is unable to see - that is one can be attacked or hit from the side where the approached person‘s view is obstructed. Also the movie »The Blind Side« explains that for football at the beginning of the movie. My thoughts have been circling around that topic all day. I watched a part of that wonderful and inspiring movie this morning (again). I am always so touched by Sandra Bullocks performance - regularly leaving me in tears when people experience unexpected love or when they experience love at all. This led me to thinking: how much do we as humans need to get rid of our own Blind Side? How long have I been living my life ignoring my own huge transgender Blind Side? Seems to me a Blind Side can be found pretty much anywhere. The parents who miss out on their kids because they don‘t turn out the way they expect them to. Healthcare providers that stick more to rules and regulations instead of doing what they are supposed to do - offer the best medical help to those who need and pay for it. People ignoring other people‘s fate and needs because compassion and empathy have died down inside of them for some reason.


In football they try to get around the Blind Side issue in a simple and effective way - someone needs to watch the  Blind Side for the person that needs to be protected. I believe it‘s the same with us humans - we need people by our side that remind us of our Blind Side, help us and protect that part (of life) we can‘t see. Remind us of those one-way streets we run into because our Blind Side made us miss other paths on our way that could have changed or will change the course of our life.

I was deeply touched by the documentary of a Swiss unique woman - Nadja Brönimann - born as a boy named Christian. On her website she has an interview as a stream that made me realize on of my Blind Sides. When asked about her hard to bear childhood she had a very surprising answer. She said she had been very much misunderstood as a kid  (she was living with a foster family) but those difficult circumstances formed her to be a strong person - and that is something she today can be somehow thankful for because it takes a lot to throw her off track or lose balance. That thought really got a hold of me - it felt exactly like how I felt as a child growing up. I guess it just takes quite some time, age and growing up to be able to do that - to be thankful for hard times, because they also prepared me for the challenges life has been throwing at me so far -  so now I can also somehow say »Thank You« to my parents for helping me to turn into the strong character and personality I am today.

This brings up another issue I wanted to address today: to some of you it might all read as:

too much happiness
too much: finally I am where I need to be
too much: this is the only way to be happy in my life for me.

I hate to disappoint you - but in the end that is just what it feels like to me.
I‘d be lying if I said there are or were no ups and downs, no mood swings, no difficulties to deal with, no learning how to deal with my freshly awakened emotions, no respect for all of the surgeries that are to be on my way

 but it all JUST FEELS RIGHT! 

The way it needs to be. So that is why in the and - it‘s all true.

This leads me to another phrase that should have been part of my entire life - and finally has started to be a part of our familiy life now and luckily it is for millions of families around the globe:

It‘s all going to be fine - it‘s all going to be alright.

 Our lives have reached the stage where we know and feel that those sayings are true and give us hope and direction daily. To all of the readers - that is my wish for you and your family!

Guarded and comforted by angels

 

 

It is now 9 months into my transition. Although it somehow seems like a very, very long time it also feels like the blink of an eye and like an eternity.

I am so grateful and thankful that my former life in the male shell fades out of my memory nearly completely. It is just gone.

The moment I decided to transition marked the turning point in my life. I didn‘t know how all of this would turn out, what problems I would have to face - and I knew life would change in quite dramatic ways, though I didn‘t expect it to be so radical.
The emotional changes are the ones that impress me most and challenge me daily. Life feels so completely different to me - it feels like what it always should have felt like and it‘s a beautiful task to manage how to live with those newly acquired feelings and incorporate them into my everyday life.
In a fast motion kind of way I learn how to deal with emotions never before known or felt.

For example about 2 weeks after I started hormones I walked along the street seeing this young mother with her toddler in the stroller. Then I realized something that nearly swept me off my feet, made me truly and deeply sad and kept me in that state for a couple of days, until I found a way to accept it somehow: I can‘t give birth to »my kid« - I will never get pregnant and I will never have the chance to give life to a baby! Being father to 4 children this sounds strange, but considering that it never was me, and that this woman deep inside me has finally set herself free, this makes sense.
Well - the whole baby panic topic fits my age as a woman and I need to deal with this fact and straighten out my thoughts - just like a genuine woman close or around my age being childless will have to do too.



I know I am guarded and protected on my way by all good wishes, thoughts and prayers of all that wish me well and support me. Also I truly believe that angels guard each and every one of my steps and also of all people who care about others

People I cared about and loved left my side and others stepped in.

I experienced unexpected help and such loving encounters, that they seem to more than make up for the losses I experienced. I had the chance to get to know and exchange thoughts, feelings and my life with interesting, caring, loving, supportive, altruistic and generous people.

Life has grown so much bigger, wider and fuller - more than I ever imagined, because I meet people who open my eyes for ideas, thoughts and views of how the world works and what life has in store which is so much greater and more colorful than I ever imagined.
On top of that I‘ve grown much more open and tolerant towards my kids, about how they want to live, how they want to be like, what their dreams are and how they see life from their perspective.

I am so thankful and happy!!!

Life is grand!