I was looking at older pictures of me with a friend of mine the other day - and she really liked »the guy« she saw there - she found him attractive and very masculine.I could absolutely not agree in terms of me being that person.
I looked kind of fit - yes. I did loads of sports - sometimes more than was good for me - to fit an image - to take over a role I was supposed to have with this male body of mine.
My friend said:
Well, know I know why some of your friends wondered when you started to transition - you look like a male impersonation.
Had I been acting all those years?
Yes - and no.
I tried my best to ignore what happened deep inside of me - although I knew instinctively it would never change - but at least I had to try, right?? Wrong!
I was just fooling myself - making things worse every day that I spent in denial of who I really was.
The tricky thing is this though:
I was not so much into make-up, dresses and dolls.
I didn’t fulfill any of the accepted stereotypes of what a girl is supposed to be like.
So how was I to know I was a girl??
Climbing trees? Yes absolutely - show me one and I’ll try to get up there.
Doing sports and being outdoors? Yes, the sooner the better - and can’t get enough of it.
Doing knitting crafts at school? No - not for me really.
Being with boys - no - not really - always felt kind of uncomfortable with what they were doing.
Joined the boy scouts but didn’t stay there long - not for me - too different a world where I felt I didn’t fit in.
Playing the guitar and making music? Yes please - don’t really want to stop playing and making music.
But then puberty came - the shock of dealing with changes I didn’t want - yet saw no chance of stopping them. I knew who I wanted to be - that girl on the picture there - what a desperate illusion - who was I kidding - my body couldn’t be changed - that is what I thought and believed in at that time.
Then that Christian and go-to-church-phase. This citation hits it bullseye how I felt and saw my life at that time:
I was condemned to live my life as a man
Yet my feelings inside didn’t change - they grew stronger and stronger each year - the desire to leave that male body behind somehow always found its way to get my attention.
Then there is the relationship issue:
Since I always liked girls - how for the life of me would I have known that I was a lesbian trans*girl... or at least a bisexual one??????
A trans*girl who is after boys - yes understandable - and after ruling out suppressed homosexuality that might have made sense to most people.
Yet here I was - this mixture of a lesbian/bisexual tomboy trans*girl personality .....
My first relationship ended in a fiasco - I couldn’t love myself but wanted to be like her instead.When I told her she sought help from other people and I was to explain myself why I was feeling that way and why I couldn’t accept to be male.
That experience made me feel so ashamed about how I felt that I swore to myself that I would lock up my secret and tell NO ONE EVER AGAIN - that lasted for 30 years - until my body made it clear to me - change or leave that life. And I chose to live.
So as you can see - I never really fit into any category myself.
People on the outside would place me in the male category - I became a loner - a lonesome girl who came alive at night - daydreaming my womanhood away - just to wake up in the morning asking myself if I had gotten completely crazy.
The point I want to make is this:
When you are born as the typical female that fits the girly stereotype - then it is »relatively« easy to know what’s wrong and get the cue that one is trans.
Yet I am a lesbian/bisexual tomboy - so how in the world could anybody guess I was trans? Well there were hints along the way - yet I believe you get where I am heading.
The only aspect where I could say for sure that something was totally wrong was when I took a close look at my body and my sexuality - both were always like an alien to me.
I didn’t respect and honor my body in those days - I used my body like a machine to get some spark out of life by doing extreme sports - I tried to live a male stereotype that would never work for me - simply because I was not male.
Believe me when I say I tried to accept a sexuality that was assigned to me at birth - it didn’t work, has never worked!
But finally now with my HRT and my SRS - now I have a peace and a happiness I have never had before in my whole entire life - and it is just so right.
Why do I write about it?
Because I want to encourage those trans*people out there who might also be faced with the situation that all the trans*issue boils down to one point: your sexuality and your genitals.
For some people this is the only clue you will get to realize that you are trans.
It is not about the make-up or stereotypes of what a woman is, should be like, act like or behave like.
It is about how you feel about that sex you are born in and the gender you identify with. It might be different for some trans*women - but I believe there are enough trans*girls like me out there - and I want to encourage you to take an honest look at yourself - how you feel about your body, your sex and your genitals in the deepest, most honest way. It might open up the door to a happy life which you never believed possible, just because you forgot to check THAT corner of your personality.
Experienced specialists will help you to figure yourself out - yet only if they are open to trans*people - unfortunately there are therapists out there who don’t take trans*sexuality serious. It’s understood that these people will not be of any help at all.
No matter what - risk that honest and deep down look at yourself and dig up your feelings.
Our hearts and our bodies already know deep down inside - it’s all about the fact if you can or want to face it - no matter what stereotypes or role expectations might dictate - this is about the one and only person that is important in your life - and that is you.
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