Guarded and comforted by angels

 

 

It is now 9 months into my transition. Although it somehow seems like a very, very long time it also feels like the blink of an eye and like an eternity.

I am so grateful and thankful that my former life in the male shell fades out of my memory nearly completely. It is just gone.

The moment I decided to transition marked the turning point in my life. I didn‘t know how all of this would turn out, what problems I would have to face - and I knew life would change in quite dramatic ways, though I didn‘t expect it to be so radical.
The emotional changes are the ones that impress me most and challenge me daily. Life feels so completely different to me - it feels like what it always should have felt like and it‘s a beautiful task to manage how to live with those newly acquired feelings and incorporate them into my everyday life.
In a fast motion kind of way I learn how to deal with emotions never before known or felt.

For example about 2 weeks after I started hormones I walked along the street seeing this young mother with her toddler in the stroller. Then I realized something that nearly swept me off my feet, made me truly and deeply sad and kept me in that state for a couple of days, until I found a way to accept it somehow: I can‘t give birth to »my kid« - I will never get pregnant and I will never have the chance to give life to a baby! Being father to 4 children this sounds strange, but considering that it never was me, and that this woman deep inside me has finally set herself free, this makes sense.
Well - the whole baby panic topic fits my age as a woman and I need to deal with this fact and straighten out my thoughts - just like a genuine woman close or around my age being childless will have to do too.



I know I am guarded and protected on my way by all good wishes, thoughts and prayers of all that wish me well and support me. Also I truly believe that angels guard each and every one of my steps and also of all people who care about others

People I cared about and loved left my side and others stepped in.

I experienced unexpected help and such loving encounters, that they seem to more than make up for the losses I experienced. I had the chance to get to know and exchange thoughts, feelings and my life with interesting, caring, loving, supportive, altruistic and generous people.

Life has grown so much bigger, wider and fuller - more than I ever imagined, because I meet people who open my eyes for ideas, thoughts and views of how the world works and what life has in store which is so much greater and more colorful than I ever imagined.
On top of that I‘ve grown much more open and tolerant towards my kids, about how they want to live, how they want to be like, what their dreams are and how they see life from their perspective.

I am so thankful and happy!!!

Life is grand!

 

 

Blowing off steam

What hugely upset me the last past months is kin, family or »friends« telling me - as some of them have been all of my life - how selfish, unreasonable and crazy I am - how irresponsible I am coming to decisions , in their view thinking only of myself, completely disregarding the needs and wants of my children. So far I always felt the need for justifying myself, trying to explain why I arrived at decisions and why I finally decided to go through with  them - talk about flogging a dead horse. I realized I had to stop that. They won‘t understand because they never wanted to in the first place or they simply can't. They have their view of how a life has to turn out, what roads need to be taken to be »successful« in life according to their philosophy. They all claim to know what‘s good for others - in that case - me.



Funny how people can live so close to each other physically knowing really nothing about the other person. Take my family - my parents, my brother and me. The distance our rooms were being apart in the house we grew up in ranged from 1.6 feet (50 cm) up to 6.6 foot (2 meters), yet up to this day we hardly know anything about each other. Some couples sleep in the same bed, live in the same house and even have kids together without knowing anything about each other.
From my perspective it all comes down to communication, love, having the broad-mindedness to let go, the will to understand and enough courage to step aboard new shores. I can‘t find any plans for leading your life, life schemes or strict guidelines on how to be happy in your life when listening to your heart, summed up in those terms.
As if there were a way to know how »correct« or »right« your decision making is. Seems they all know it for me - why don‘t they take a look in the mirror first?

Whenever my kids go places people are amazed at what happy and joyful kids they are. When my kids go places where people are familiar with our busy course of life people are »surprised« or »taken aback« at how happy and joyful they are »despite of what they have to live with!« That should really make them think, shouldn‘t it?
But wouldn‘t fit their view of me, my lifestyle, my decision making, my view on life in general. No ability to read between the lines.

I realized I have to leave those people behind, welcome those who are willing to understand or do understand. Life seems to be this constant cycle of welcomes and good-byes. Even more so in me transitioning. To me I do see no need anymore to fight a lost battle - if people are not willing to embrace me with a loving heart, I realized for myself that I have to let go. Took such a long time to get me to the point where I could be strong enough to finally do that. Mona is strong enough to do that now. I am alive.

I want to sum this all up with the words of my unique woman friend Kelly who simply put it this way: 

their loss!