This is my first blog post as MONA MAIER :-)!!



I got my legal status change on May 15th 2014.
Sex:female
Name: Mona Maier
Everything else is history.
That just feels sooooooo good. A great wonderful step towards MY LIFE.
There are so many things I have learned since I wrote my last blog.
Every day is like a new life waiting to be celebrated - and now I truly can.
I am thankful for all the blessings I can enjoy each day:

• getting up in the morning for having the privilege of getting to live another day
• being healthy and well
• having good and healthy food to eat
• having this wonderful landscape to enjoy and dwell in
• having angels walking by my side
• having a heart to guide me when I‘m listening,
• having a roof over my head
• having great friends who stay by my side
• having a good bed to sleep in
• having wonderful healthy children - each of them so different and ready to take on their own life.

One of the companions I have is my »tree of life« as I named it.
It‘s located on a small hill near a chapel with a magnificent, grand view of the surrounding mountain ranges.


Whenever I rest by its side it blesses me with visions, fresh ideas or knowledge that leads me further on my path.
It made me realize not to forget the experiences I made as Marc and honor Marc and his legacy - because he is the foundation on which my life as Mona is based on. Realizing this while my tree of life gave me this revelation - tears ran down my face  for what seemed like endless minutes. I was about to forget my past as Marc and I somehow was glad about it. Then my tree of life gave voice to my heart: stop this - remember him, he made all these experiences so you could finally get to the point where you are now. Instead of forgetting Marc he should have a place of honor in the memory of your past. So in my mind Marc and Mona first held each others hands and then embraced - tears again streaming down continually - and then they finally merged into one person - ME - and a peace got hold of myself and my heart that is too wonderful to put in words.
All this I owe to my tree of life and whenever I have time I pass by it, rest in the shade of its branches or lean against its stem, waiting for whatever it wants to tell me or simply feel how it charges me with its power. This place is truly a place of magic, wonder and meditation for me.


My physical change is well on the way. Just the other day I met a person who hasn‘t seen me for about 6 months - she didn‘t recognize me at frist. Only after I said Hello Mrs XXXXX did she finally say: ohh - it‘s you! You have changed so much!
You can imagine my inner smile spreading all over my body and soul after hearing this.

I learned a lot about taking charge of my life - especially in respect to doctors and medication.
Unlike in the US a lot of German people don‘t question what a doctor or a professor tells them. People take it for granted - and they believe for every word to be true.

I can honestly say that Germany really lacks doctors and surgeons devoted to our special needs. My rhinoplasty alone is something that leaves me with this recommendation: don‘t have it done in Germany!
I suggest to every person considering surgery under the transsexual label: get at least 2 opinions from 2 surgeons - let them illustrate what they have planned. If they fail to do that for whatever reason (it always turns out differently/ expectations of the patient might not be met etc.) - simply forget it! They have no idea on what you want or how you want it. for FFS I recommend this website as a starter:
http://www.virtualffs.co.uk/index.html
This can be helpful to show your surgeon what you want to have done. If he can‘t stick to the concept to do it as is recommended by Alexandra‘s results - simply say: I believe you are not the surgeon I want to go with.

For SRS I personally think the same: forget Germany and it‘s surgeons. Thailand is the place to go to. At the moment I am joining forces with the Green Party to create a change in the current situation of how the German health care system neglects better results for less costs - simply because the surgeons are not German. I believe that this current situation is totally unacceptable.


To sum it up for today - at our front door I put up a picture that reads like this:



And I wish my kids do realize how important it is for each and every person to be able to say that about themselves in the first place - just as I got the chance to learn that for myself. Then walking the walk of life is great, fun and one heck of a journey.

Time to say good-bye .... part 1

Yes, it really is time to say good-bye to my past.



By now the results of HRT have changed my body noticeably - also some major surgeries are on their way in the near future.

So it is time to say good-bye and to say a big thank you - to my male prison - the body that has served me for years, which unfortunately was the wrong one to be born in. I am thankful for all there is, all the changes my body is willing to go through for me, to see me happy and have me were I truly and really belong. I will have my second rhinoplasty on Tuesday February 25th - performed by a professor I trust truly and deeply and who has been helpful and generous beyond belief.

I know deep inside that this step will mark a new stage on the road to my female body.

I won‘t be the same person as before - my changes will become more visible and more apparent to everyone around me. I can sense that it will affect me in a much stronger and deeper way than anything else I have done so far in the process of my transition.

A huge »Thank You« for all the people who support me with good thoughts, prayers, good wishes and who wish me good luck for all the surgeries needed.

I am very excited, still at the same time I am stepping on unknown territory - knowing it‘s the right thing to do - and having a strange feeling at the same time - so I just close my eyes and trusting in fate and the power of life – take one step at a time, putting one foot in front of the other - to see what life‘s got in store for me.

I am so grateful and thankful that most of my kids chose to walk that path along with me - and hopefully, the one that has to deal with my transition a lot more than the others will come around as time passes -  I love you all so much - you mean the world to me.

Rhinoplasty is now agood 10 days past. From what I can see so far it has truly been successful this time - so I owe a very big "Thank-You" to Prof. MD Staudenmaier, ENT professional plastic surgeon in Munich who not only put into reality my visions of what my nose needs to be like but who also managed to revise all the deficits the last rhinoplasty left on and in my face and bones.

I also owe the very talented photographer Heike Sickert-Kuchenbecker a big hats-off since she managed to portray me before my rhinoplasty in such honesty that I‘m truly baffled on how she manages to bring out the essentials of every person she takes photos of.

As I prepare for my next major steps my mind keeps whirling around the SRS (sexual reassignment surgery) procedure.

 

 I find myself preparing for this major step of my transition mentally every day in thoughts and meditations ....... I so desperately pray it will happen soon ....

My Blind Side

 

In sports the Blind Side is  the part of one‘s field of vision where one is unable to see - that is one can be attacked or hit from the side where the approached person‘s view is obstructed. Also the movie »The Blind Side« explains that for football at the beginning of the movie. My thoughts have been circling around that topic all day. I watched a part of that wonderful and inspiring movie this morning (again). I am always so touched by Sandra Bullocks performance - regularly leaving me in tears when people experience unexpected love or when they experience love at all. This led me to thinking: how much do we as humans need to get rid of our own Blind Side? How long have I been living my life ignoring my own huge transgender Blind Side? Seems to me a Blind Side can be found pretty much anywhere. The parents who miss out on their kids because they don‘t turn out the way they expect them to. Healthcare providers that stick more to rules and regulations instead of doing what they are supposed to do - offer the best medical help to those who need and pay for it. People ignoring other people‘s fate and needs because compassion and empathy have died down inside of them for some reason.


In football they try to get around the Blind Side issue in a simple and effective way - someone needs to watch the  Blind Side for the person that needs to be protected. I believe it‘s the same with us humans - we need people by our side that remind us of our Blind Side, help us and protect that part (of life) we can‘t see. Remind us of those one-way streets we run into because our Blind Side made us miss other paths on our way that could have changed or will change the course of our life.

I was deeply touched by the documentary of a Swiss unique woman - Nadja Brönimann - born as a boy named Christian. On her website she has an interview as a stream that made me realize on of my Blind Sides. When asked about her hard to bear childhood she had a very surprising answer. She said she had been very much misunderstood as a kid  (she was living with a foster family) but those difficult circumstances formed her to be a strong person - and that is something she today can be somehow thankful for because it takes a lot to throw her off track or lose balance. That thought really got a hold of me - it felt exactly like how I felt as a child growing up. I guess it just takes quite some time, age and growing up to be able to do that - to be thankful for hard times, because they also prepared me for the challenges life has been throwing at me so far -  so now I can also somehow say »Thank You« to my parents for helping me to turn into the strong character and personality I am today.

This brings up another issue I wanted to address today: to some of you it might all read as:

too much happiness
too much: finally I am where I need to be
too much: this is the only way to be happy in my life for me.

I hate to disappoint you - but in the end that is just what it feels like to me.
I‘d be lying if I said there are or were no ups and downs, no mood swings, no difficulties to deal with, no learning how to deal with my freshly awakened emotions, no respect for all of the surgeries that are to be on my way

 but it all JUST FEELS RIGHT! 

The way it needs to be. So that is why in the and - it‘s all true.

This leads me to another phrase that should have been part of my entire life - and finally has started to be a part of our familiy life now and luckily it is for millions of families around the globe:

It‘s all going to be fine - it‘s all going to be alright.

 Our lives have reached the stage where we know and feel that those sayings are true and give us hope and direction daily. To all of the readers - that is my wish for you and your family!

Guarded and comforted by angels

 

 

It is now 9 months into my transition. Although it somehow seems like a very, very long time it also feels like the blink of an eye and like an eternity.

I am so grateful and thankful that my former life in the male shell fades out of my memory nearly completely. It is just gone.

The moment I decided to transition marked the turning point in my life. I didn‘t know how all of this would turn out, what problems I would have to face - and I knew life would change in quite dramatic ways, though I didn‘t expect it to be so radical.
The emotional changes are the ones that impress me most and challenge me daily. Life feels so completely different to me - it feels like what it always should have felt like and it‘s a beautiful task to manage how to live with those newly acquired feelings and incorporate them into my everyday life.
In a fast motion kind of way I learn how to deal with emotions never before known or felt.

For example about 2 weeks after I started hormones I walked along the street seeing this young mother with her toddler in the stroller. Then I realized something that nearly swept me off my feet, made me truly and deeply sad and kept me in that state for a couple of days, until I found a way to accept it somehow: I can‘t give birth to »my kid« - I will never get pregnant and I will never have the chance to give life to a baby! Being father to 4 children this sounds strange, but considering that it never was me, and that this woman deep inside me has finally set herself free, this makes sense.
Well - the whole baby panic topic fits my age as a woman and I need to deal with this fact and straighten out my thoughts - just like a genuine woman close or around my age being childless will have to do too.



I know I am guarded and protected on my way by all good wishes, thoughts and prayers of all that wish me well and support me. Also I truly believe that angels guard each and every one of my steps and also of all people who care about others

People I cared about and loved left my side and others stepped in.

I experienced unexpected help and such loving encounters, that they seem to more than make up for the losses I experienced. I had the chance to get to know and exchange thoughts, feelings and my life with interesting, caring, loving, supportive, altruistic and generous people.

Life has grown so much bigger, wider and fuller - more than I ever imagined, because I meet people who open my eyes for ideas, thoughts and views of how the world works and what life has in store which is so much greater and more colorful than I ever imagined.
On top of that I‘ve grown much more open and tolerant towards my kids, about how they want to live, how they want to be like, what their dreams are and how they see life from their perspective.

I am so thankful and happy!!!

Life is grand!

 

 

Blowing off steam

What hugely upset me the last past months is kin, family or »friends« telling me - as some of them have been all of my life - how selfish, unreasonable and crazy I am - how irresponsible I am coming to decisions , in their view thinking only of myself, completely disregarding the needs and wants of my children. So far I always felt the need for justifying myself, trying to explain why I arrived at decisions and why I finally decided to go through with  them - talk about flogging a dead horse. I realized I had to stop that. They won‘t understand because they never wanted to in the first place or they simply can't. They have their view of how a life has to turn out, what roads need to be taken to be »successful« in life according to their philosophy. They all claim to know what‘s good for others - in that case - me.



Funny how people can live so close to each other physically knowing really nothing about the other person. Take my family - my parents, my brother and me. The distance our rooms were being apart in the house we grew up in ranged from 1.6 feet (50 cm) up to 6.6 foot (2 meters), yet up to this day we hardly know anything about each other. Some couples sleep in the same bed, live in the same house and even have kids together without knowing anything about each other.
From my perspective it all comes down to communication, love, having the broad-mindedness to let go, the will to understand and enough courage to step aboard new shores. I can‘t find any plans for leading your life, life schemes or strict guidelines on how to be happy in your life when listening to your heart, summed up in those terms.
As if there were a way to know how »correct« or »right« your decision making is. Seems they all know it for me - why don‘t they take a look in the mirror first?

Whenever my kids go places people are amazed at what happy and joyful kids they are. When my kids go places where people are familiar with our busy course of life people are »surprised« or »taken aback« at how happy and joyful they are »despite of what they have to live with!« That should really make them think, shouldn‘t it?
But wouldn‘t fit their view of me, my lifestyle, my decision making, my view on life in general. No ability to read between the lines.

I realized I have to leave those people behind, welcome those who are willing to understand or do understand. Life seems to be this constant cycle of welcomes and good-byes. Even more so in me transitioning. To me I do see no need anymore to fight a lost battle - if people are not willing to embrace me with a loving heart, I realized for myself that I have to let go. Took such a long time to get me to the point where I could be strong enough to finally do that. Mona is strong enough to do that now. I am alive.

I want to sum this all up with the words of my unique woman friend Kelly who simply put it this way: 

their loss!

 

Getting my life back!!

At first I wanted to write about the endless topic of hormones - but I found out what the core of the matter is, that‘s been bugging me for ... my whole life actually: I WANT MY LIFE BACK!!!

I guess hardly anybody else knows more about  the unbelievable and unstoppable power of hormones than us transsexual people.
I do only speak for myself when I say - I KNEW something was not right with me ever since I was little and even more so after puberty kicked in.
Two months after I started hormones I can definitely say  that dramatic changes have been happening to me since I started.
At this point of time the emotional and psychological changes are stronger felt than the physical ones. I‘m being much more emotional - more happy when I‘m happy and more down when I‘m down, depressed or unhappy. Yet, not a single feeling that I want to miss ever since I‘ve started to feel it now, weather it‘s towards the happy or the sad end. Words can‘t describe how much joy spreads inside of me, just because I can feel life the way it‘s supposed to be felt for me, the way I always knew it had to feel, yet in my male prison I this wasn‘t happening.

I had a bumpy road to travel before I finally ended up with an endocrinologist that I can trust.
After I got my referral I went to the endocrinologist that was at the top of the list - apparently the one with the best reputation all over Munich. After the first meeting I went down the stairs of the building and my female inner voice (which ever since starting hormones has grown louder and louder each day - thank goodness!!) said: that was not a good choice - you know that! Find someone else. Well, the reasoning part kicked in saying: well, how bad can it be, just give it a try!

YOU SHOULD ALWAYS LISTEN TO THE VOICE OF YOUR HEART!

Well I didn‘t. Turns out that after about 10 days I had a circulatory collapse going to the bathroom in the middle of the night. Calling the endocrinologist next day I was referred to her phone consulting times the upcoming day. She didn‘t want to get into the topic because she let herself be talked into medication she didn‘t favor by me - so it was my problem. Way to go and care for your patients I say - why hadn‘t I listened to my gut feeling?????? I called it quits with that endocrinologist. Switched to another one - which also left me with that feeling - no - not for you - get someone else. Than another circulatory collapse 14 days later - that time in the evening with my kids around, arms and feet tickling and tingling, let me tell you I really got scared. The gynecologist on duty who mad e a home visit simply said: well hormones are powerful stuff. Welcome to the world of women, those things can happen when your body needs to adapt to a different hormone setting.

Okay - all on my own I tried to figure out what was going on.
I had started HRT before I was officially allowed to, because I just couldn‘t take it anymore. So I stuck with the information I got off the web. As an anti-androgen I used Spironolactone - which can be contraindicated when one has low blood pressure - well I do have that. The first endocrinologist had ordered me to boost the estrogen dosage. Ever since I had done that the problems had started. So I decided to use a two step approach - replace Spironolactone with Androcur and also lower the estrogen dosage. This did me worlds of good - actually I was getting closer to what I‘ve been using as self medication in the beginning.

Finally, two weeks ago I found an endocrinologist where it just made CLICK!
He listened to me carefully, respected my wishes and approaches to medicine and life, didn‘t laugh at me when I asked for progesterone values to be included in the hormone status, and he considers himself to be more of a consultant than a person who tells me what to do - he always leaves the final decisions to me - that‘s what I call a doctor!!!!
They drew a blood sample and 2 days ago we discussed the results:
Pituitary gland values where way too low - so he advised to lower the estrogen dosage even more. Also my thyroid gland values where a bit low, so he recommended to start with a very low L-Thyroxine medication.
Aside from my self medication approach when I started hormones - done out of need because I couldn‘t take life anymore the way it was - I do honestly believe that hormone status and a good doctor whom you fully trust is the ticket to successful HRT - especially at my age, younger bodies might cope quite differently with whatever gets thrown at them.
Some small breast growth has settled in and whenever I see that in the mirror I can‘t help but smile and be deeply happy inside. Makes me wonder a bit, because my focus hasn‘t been on the female breast so far, but becomes increasingly more important to me right now.
Then I went to see a surgeon for SRS - sexual reassignment surgery - Dr. Schaff , Munich Germany. Dr. Morath, his partner surgeon conducted the first part of the interview, but I also wanted to meet Dr. Schaff in person. He is a fantastic man and gained my trust the very first second I met him! I got a diagnosis and a surgery appointment for.... OCTOBER 2016!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Help, help, help..... .
I can never wait that long!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
They told me that it might be possible to be put on a waiting list, so if anybody can‘t realize his or her appointment for the scheduled surgery they‘ll call upon people of the waiting list.
To me there are only 3 surgeons I would trust my body for SRS with: Dr. Schaff, Munich, Germany, Dr. Chettawut, Bangkok, Thailand or Dr. Suporn, Bangplasoi, Thailand. So only two choices - either somehow come up with money so I can have SRS in Thailand earlier or get called upon the waiting list.
Getting more and more centered within my female self, family life also changes constantly - you can hear a lot more laughter within our home - also more outbursts ;-)! Life has become happier, more worth living - overall life is just more fun, mainly because I can cope with everyday life the way I should have - should have been learning to do so about 42 years ago - or even earlier.

And I finally get what it is that I want, and that I need:
I WANT TO HAVE MY LIFE BACK - the life I had to miss for my whole life because my mind and body were worlds apart - yet forced to blend into each other.
I want to experience ,joy, my body, my feelings, my kids, my sexuality, my thoughts, my mind - the way it was supposed to be - I finally begin to grasp my female life - my life as a woman - and I won‘t let go an inch, because for the first time in my life I know I‘m on a true road to happiness, and I‘m so thankful for that.

I deeply hope that there is that special someone out there, that loves me for who I am, not loves me despite for who I am, and who will carry me on his arms with a loving hug and a kiss - along the beach into the sunset somewhere in the world

True happiness is when two loving hearts blend into one
may it happen to you too

Finally - my second birthday - September 12.09.2013!!!!

Got my therapists referral to the endocrinologist - got an apppointment the same day - started hormones that very night!!!
Finally got the feeling that I arrived at where I belong!!!

Mark Schultzes song wraps all the thankfullness, happyness and hope up in such a beautiful package.

To me the love of the creator is being handed out to all creation, that includes transsexuals, homosexuals and lesbians just as much as anybody else - no matter what official church or religious views think about that topic.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OO4S86f8BvU&list=PL404AFAB9FC4DEA5C


I agree with Pinchas Lapide who wrote as preface in one of his books:

How can people expect to just get a glimpse of creation being handicapped with the narrowness of the human mind? We already have trouble communicating with each other and trying to speak in words what one really wants to say seems so difficult each day - using the limited means of speech - so how can we expect to understand the ways and means of the eternal.

So all I can say is:

Thank you, thank you for it finally happening, thank you for all the friends and support I got during my rough times and especially within the last 8 months.
I am so thankful that the road of happiness now is wide open for me to walk on - and going my first few steps here feels right and so good!