Getting my life back!!

At first I wanted to write about the endless topic of hormones - but I found out what the core of the matter is, that‘s been bugging me for ... my whole life actually: I WANT MY LIFE BACK!!!

I guess hardly anybody else knows more about  the unbelievable and unstoppable power of hormones than us transsexual people.
I do only speak for myself when I say - I KNEW something was not right with me ever since I was little and even more so after puberty kicked in.
Two months after I started hormones I can definitely say  that dramatic changes have been happening to me since I started.
At this point of time the emotional and psychological changes are stronger felt than the physical ones. I‘m being much more emotional - more happy when I‘m happy and more down when I‘m down, depressed or unhappy. Yet, not a single feeling that I want to miss ever since I‘ve started to feel it now, weather it‘s towards the happy or the sad end. Words can‘t describe how much joy spreads inside of me, just because I can feel life the way it‘s supposed to be felt for me, the way I always knew it had to feel, yet in my male prison I this wasn‘t happening.

I had a bumpy road to travel before I finally ended up with an endocrinologist that I can trust.
After I got my referral I went to the endocrinologist that was at the top of the list - apparently the one with the best reputation all over Munich. After the first meeting I went down the stairs of the building and my female inner voice (which ever since starting hormones has grown louder and louder each day - thank goodness!!) said: that was not a good choice - you know that! Find someone else. Well, the reasoning part kicked in saying: well, how bad can it be, just give it a try!

YOU SHOULD ALWAYS LISTEN TO THE VOICE OF YOUR HEART!

Well I didn‘t. Turns out that after about 10 days I had a circulatory collapse going to the bathroom in the middle of the night. Calling the endocrinologist next day I was referred to her phone consulting times the upcoming day. She didn‘t want to get into the topic because she let herself be talked into medication she didn‘t favor by me - so it was my problem. Way to go and care for your patients I say - why hadn‘t I listened to my gut feeling?????? I called it quits with that endocrinologist. Switched to another one - which also left me with that feeling - no - not for you - get someone else. Than another circulatory collapse 14 days later - that time in the evening with my kids around, arms and feet tickling and tingling, let me tell you I really got scared. The gynecologist on duty who mad e a home visit simply said: well hormones are powerful stuff. Welcome to the world of women, those things can happen when your body needs to adapt to a different hormone setting.

Okay - all on my own I tried to figure out what was going on.
I had started HRT before I was officially allowed to, because I just couldn‘t take it anymore. So I stuck with the information I got off the web. As an anti-androgen I used Spironolactone - which can be contraindicated when one has low blood pressure - well I do have that. The first endocrinologist had ordered me to boost the estrogen dosage. Ever since I had done that the problems had started. So I decided to use a two step approach - replace Spironolactone with Androcur and also lower the estrogen dosage. This did me worlds of good - actually I was getting closer to what I‘ve been using as self medication in the beginning.

Finally, two weeks ago I found an endocrinologist where it just made CLICK!
He listened to me carefully, respected my wishes and approaches to medicine and life, didn‘t laugh at me when I asked for progesterone values to be included in the hormone status, and he considers himself to be more of a consultant than a person who tells me what to do - he always leaves the final decisions to me - that‘s what I call a doctor!!!!
They drew a blood sample and 2 days ago we discussed the results:
Pituitary gland values where way too low - so he advised to lower the estrogen dosage even more. Also my thyroid gland values where a bit low, so he recommended to start with a very low L-Thyroxine medication.
Aside from my self medication approach when I started hormones - done out of need because I couldn‘t take life anymore the way it was - I do honestly believe that hormone status and a good doctor whom you fully trust is the ticket to successful HRT - especially at my age, younger bodies might cope quite differently with whatever gets thrown at them.
Some small breast growth has settled in and whenever I see that in the mirror I can‘t help but smile and be deeply happy inside. Makes me wonder a bit, because my focus hasn‘t been on the female breast so far, but becomes increasingly more important to me right now.
Then I went to see a surgeon for SRS - sexual reassignment surgery - Dr. Schaff , Munich Germany. Dr. Morath, his partner surgeon conducted the first part of the interview, but I also wanted to meet Dr. Schaff in person. He is a fantastic man and gained my trust the very first second I met him! I got a diagnosis and a surgery appointment for.... OCTOBER 2016!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Help, help, help..... .
I can never wait that long!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
They told me that it might be possible to be put on a waiting list, so if anybody can‘t realize his or her appointment for the scheduled surgery they‘ll call upon people of the waiting list.
To me there are only 3 surgeons I would trust my body for SRS with: Dr. Schaff, Munich, Germany, Dr. Chettawut, Bangkok, Thailand or Dr. Suporn, Bangplasoi, Thailand. So only two choices - either somehow come up with money so I can have SRS in Thailand earlier or get called upon the waiting list.
Getting more and more centered within my female self, family life also changes constantly - you can hear a lot more laughter within our home - also more outbursts ;-)! Life has become happier, more worth living - overall life is just more fun, mainly because I can cope with everyday life the way I should have - should have been learning to do so about 42 years ago - or even earlier.

And I finally get what it is that I want, and that I need:
I WANT TO HAVE MY LIFE BACK - the life I had to miss for my whole life because my mind and body were worlds apart - yet forced to blend into each other.
I want to experience ,joy, my body, my feelings, my kids, my sexuality, my thoughts, my mind - the way it was supposed to be - I finally begin to grasp my female life - my life as a woman - and I won‘t let go an inch, because for the first time in my life I know I‘m on a true road to happiness, and I‘m so thankful for that.

I deeply hope that there is that special someone out there, that loves me for who I am, not loves me despite for who I am, and who will carry me on his arms with a loving hug and a kiss - along the beach into the sunset somewhere in the world

True happiness is when two loving hearts blend into one
may it happen to you too